A Brutal Malling

Yesterday, I had the opportunity of visiting Dubai Mall, on a mission to puzzle out why of all places the mall is so influential in Dubai.

Globally, Dubai is known for its world-class shopping experiences. Hundreds of separate malls dot the landscape and it is rare to see a store standing alone. Standing above the rest is Dubai Mall, one of the largest malls on the planet. Here there are over 1000 stores on 4 levels, it is a place where you could get lost and not be found for days.

When I first entered the mall the first thing I noticed was the map, I tried to take a picture but it wouldn't fit within the frame of my camera. Behind it was, no not a ski slope, but an ice skating rink of course. Here ice skaters were even more pitiful then that one kid who hugs the wall of the rink face-planting every step.

Except This Guy, Too-Much-Free-Time, Was Doing Front-handsprings and Flips

Hungry, from walking half way across the mall we decided to go to the food court. In most malls the food court, around lunch time, would be crowded and noisy but not here. The biggest food court I have ever seen, with a McDonald's playpen the size of of a normal mall in the states, was empty. For Muslims this is the holy month of Ramadan in which it is customary to fast during the daytime hours. Yet, the restaurants were open you just couldn't eat it there in public. So my compatriots cleverly combined two trips into one and ate their KFC in the bathroom.

One of the Many Insane Plazas within the Mall

After feeding ourselves we then watched the sharks being fed, in the aquarium, that was in the middle of the mall. You could shop with the fishies so to speak. Here I saw two divers get into a cage and give sharks dead fish. I felt like I was looking into a mirror. Here sharks were being hand-fed dead fish while surrounded with thousands of live fish, a lifetime supply. On the other side of the glass, individuals with a lifetime supply of money, wearing Guchi and Armani, were shopping for products they didn't need. There was even the same dead and dumb look in their eyes. Yet, like sharks around the cage, why do all the people congregate at malls?

A Very Full Shark

Maybe a fresh perspective will give me some ideas, I thought walking outside. The air outside felt thick, to the extent that the sensation of swimming comes to mind. It was 112 degrees with almost 100% humidity. Across an enormous fountain was the Burj Dubai the world's tallest building. Not yet completed it stands at over 2,684 ft tall and is a series of commercial and residential spaces. It was so tall that I couldn't fit it into the frame of my camera.

Bow Down to the Top Half of the Idol of Consumerism!

I have heard rumors from others that the crown prince of Saudi Arabia has declared his intention to build a tower to trump the Burj Dubai. Something in the range of a mile high. The Sheik of Dubai has declared his intention to beat that by finalizing plans for a skyscraper 7874ft tall. It doesn't seem possible to build something so tall but in this dick-measuring contest it seems anything goes, including laws of physics.

Katrice, Jordan and Myself

We stayed outside as long as possible but had to rush back in before we passed out in the heat. Perhaps this was a clue to the power of Dubai malls? We finished the evening with a trip to the grocery store on the bottom level (it had 50 types of milk!) and a final look at the Burj and the fountain. Here we witnessed an amazing spectacle, a fountain show that blows the Bellagio out of the water. To an up beat Arabic song, we watched as the water danced, gyrated, and blasted 30 feet into the air all perfectly in sync with the music. It was quite a sight and great way to end the trip.

Oooooooh

Ahhhhhhhh!

Though as far as the question to why malls are so important in Dubai, I'm still not sure. It may be because the rich people want to be seen being rich, or because the Dubains are even more materialitic then Americans (yes its possible) or maybe it is just too hot outside to organize shopping in anyother way.

All I know is that my tower is totally bigger than yours.

An Orientation for Freshman Orientations

Tips for students at an orientation and for those who are forced to run them.

Let me first begin by plagiarizing the president of the American University in Dubai and extolling the "The 10 Keys to Success for a New Student (Orientation)."

As a senior I have, obviously, already once gone through freshman orientation. It was an experience that I hoped to never repeat. Yet, here at AUD as a new student I was told that I had to go to new student orientation and convocation. This leads me to my first tip:

1. When anyone says that you are required to go to orientation yell "FALSE!" and run away as quickly as possible, preferably while spastically gyrating your arms to fend off any pursuers.

Having ignored my own first tip I was lead into the cafeteria with about 100 other students where we commenced to, one by one, introduce ourselves. There were students from Afghanistan, Pakistan, Oman, Syria, Jordan, Nigeria, North Carolina and numerous other places. Yet I don't remember a single name. After 30 minutes and much confusion later, we finally divided into three groups (having failed at every attempt at a name games) and commenced playing movie charades. These games are performed as a form of collective group torture to help you bond with your classmates. Which leads to tip 2:

2. If a guy named Ronny who only knows one English adjective points at you and says "I have an AWESOME movie for you," own it and do it with reckless abandon.

It only took one (fantastic) pelvic thrust for everyone to simultaneously remember my name and correctly yell "Sex in the City!"

The next day:

3. When someone says, everyone to the auditorium for convocation, yell "FALSE!" and run away as quickly as possible, preferably while spastically gyrating your arms to fend off any pursuers.

Also, again ignoring my own advice, I went into the swankiest auditorium I have ever seen. Regardless, it was incredibly boring so:

4. Bring something, anything to do while you're being talked at.

As someone who has been talked at a lot, here are some tips for those doing the talking-at:

5. If you are extolling the virtues of a liberal education, thinking critically and for yourself, please stop reading verbatim off a power point presentation that you obviously did not make.

6. If it takes you 20 minutes to explain what plagiarism is, you should find a concise defintion on wikipedia and plagiarize it.

7. Students do not need a 30 slide power point presention introducing every single person who works in the administration, their phone number and hobbies. This is not match.com.

8. When choosing a student to introduce every member of the administration please don't choose Ronny, the guy who only knows one adjective.

Just before you are about to snap and run screaming from the auditorium realize you can leave whenever you want.

9. Get up, head held high and walk confidently to the exit. If an orientation leader blocks the doorway and says you can't leave its not over yet, side-step her and walk out the other door. Keep walking, if you hesistate for a moment you will be trapped inside, as all but one of the other study abroad students found out.

And finally once you escape:

10. Love, savor and relish in the that incredible feeling of not being at orientation. Doesn't it feel AWESOME!?!

Deserted in a Desert Mall

It started with an innocuous question.

"Hey John there's a bus going to the mall at 6 want to come?"

I hate malls but I don't know anywhere else to buy anything so I said yes. When the time came I knocked on my two neighbors doors (the only two people I had met so far) and got no answer. I assumed I was missing out on something really fun and they had left while I was napping. I found out later they were both asleep. Oh well I'll still go for an hour and grab the stuff I need.

Central Hub

As I was getting off the AUD bus (adorned with curtains as all buses here are for some reason) at the mall I asked:

"What time will you pick me up here?"
"TenjsFDH!" The driver mumbled forcefully.
"What?"
"10:30"
"Oh, O.K. 10:30 right?"
"HERE!"

2 hours seems a little longer then I wanted to stay but hey I could manage to explore a mall for two hours. Five steps later I realized it wasn't even 6. A sense of dread swept over me. I have never spent 5 hours in a mall, I haven't even spent 30 minutes in a mall since I was 5. Malls are on the 6th level of hell for me about where Wal-Mart and a life sentence in a Siberian gulag reside.

You know when something terrible is about to happen but you can't bring yourself to look away, you're intrigued and horrified at the same time? That is how I felt for 5 hours.

So here are some general facts about the Mall of the Emirates that may help you understand how overwhelmed I felt when I was walking around: it is 6.5 million square feet, there is an indoor ski slope, there are 26 parking entrances A-Z, there is a cell phone charging station in case you've been shopping so long your phone is dead and a hotel in case you get too tired from mindlessly consuming.

And a Robo Coaster!

In some ways the mall was different. There were women dressed in full-length black burkas and men with long white robes and red-checkered turbans. Everything was sold there except for pork and alcohol and did I mention there was a ski slope? Yet, mostly people were acting the same. Fat parents and husbands spoiling their fat kids and wives while eating fast food and talking too loudly on their cell phones. Looking different but acting the same.

Winston-Salem Represent!

Most of my time was spent exploring and playing pool, surrounded by tweens, with guys who worked at the toy store. The only shopping I did was at a Carrefour which was basically an enormous, less organized and more stressful Super Wal-Mart. I also ate at a little "American style" cafe that had mint lemonade (amazing!) and played lots of Ja Rule (remember him?) And for those of you who have seen Pulp Fiction, in the UAE they also call a quarter pounder a McRoyal with cheese.

Say McRoyal with Cheese

The ski slope accurately named Ski Dubai was just plain silly. It was huge and impressive from a engineering and fake snow production stand point but for anyone who has actually been to a mountain or large hill with snow on it you'll probably be disappointed. Though it was fun to watch the kids who had no idea that snow was slippery fall down and see women in red and black checkered head scarves who looked like a really devout lumberjacks. Eventually though, 10:30 came and I ran to catch the moving bus that wasn't quite "HERE!" but was close enough.

From the Top of the "Slope"

I survived being deserted in the Mall of Emirates by myself which for me was almost as bad as a real desert but hey, at least I could go skiing.

Dubaiiyyyyyyyyy

Well, I'm here in Dubai writing from my new home for the semester. The flights to get here were O.K. except for the fact that, on both flights, there were so many children. From London to Dubai I was literally surrounded by cute little British children on all sides. While annoying, it was all almost worth it to here their vodka-tonic-pounding parents riling their kids up when we were flying directly over Dubai. Screams of "Dubaiiyyyyyyyyyy" with perfect British accents was just too much to handle.

Dubai, lit up as we descended was an incredible sight. If I wasn't so jet-lagged I probably would have been yelling "Dubaiiyyyyyyy" with the little urchins. In the middle of nowhere in the desert, every road had street lamps at perfectly spaced intervals giving the impression that the entire city and every block was perfectly trimmed with Christmas lights. I was in awe with my forehead glued to the plane window. The skyscrapers, mansions, resorts and islands were all outlined and lit extravagantly making Las Vegas look like Boone.

After fighting my way through a sea of children to get off the plane, I spent an hour just trying to get out of the airport. When the front doors finally slid open the intense heat punched me in the face. It was 100 degrees at 11:00 at night. I eventually got a taxi, got to my hotel and passed out.

This morning, I guess it's 3am EST, I took another taxi across the city to AUD. On my way I passed 20 car dealerships, what looked like all nine (eight?) planets sunk halfway into the ground with rollercoasters connecting them, more skyscrapers then I could count, the world's tallest building with cranes literally attached to the side of the builing a hundred stories up and a beautiful mosque with a Cinnabon attached to it.

Yet, despite it all I am now in my new dorm room and perhaps the only student here. It's Ramadan and it's Friday (think Sunday, Christmas week except everyone fasts during the day) and I miss all you guys so much. Now I'm off to the mall to get an outlet converter and maybe go skiing.

I have no idea whats going on.

Onwards!

Today is my last day in the states before I go to Dubai for the semester. I leave today at 8:45pm and head to Dulles for an overnight flight. From there I will stop over at Heathrow in London for a few hours and take the last 6 hours of my journey to Dubai. Everything seems to be in order. The only mishap so far was that until yesterday I thought my flight was on Thursday instead of today. That was a scary moment that destroyed some of my plans but it seems all is well.

I want to thank everyone who has helped me along to get to this point and I won't disappoint. Much love to everyone I will update when I land in Dubai and get to my hotel.