An Orientation for Freshman Orientations

Tips for students at an orientation and for those who are forced to run them.

Let me first begin by plagiarizing the president of the American University in Dubai and extolling the "The 10 Keys to Success for a New Student (Orientation)."

As a senior I have, obviously, already once gone through freshman orientation. It was an experience that I hoped to never repeat. Yet, here at AUD as a new student I was told that I had to go to new student orientation and convocation. This leads me to my first tip:

1. When anyone says that you are required to go to orientation yell "FALSE!" and run away as quickly as possible, preferably while spastically gyrating your arms to fend off any pursuers.

Having ignored my own first tip I was lead into the cafeteria with about 100 other students where we commenced to, one by one, introduce ourselves. There were students from Afghanistan, Pakistan, Oman, Syria, Jordan, Nigeria, North Carolina and numerous other places. Yet I don't remember a single name. After 30 minutes and much confusion later, we finally divided into three groups (having failed at every attempt at a name games) and commenced playing movie charades. These games are performed as a form of collective group torture to help you bond with your classmates. Which leads to tip 2:

2. If a guy named Ronny who only knows one English adjective points at you and says "I have an AWESOME movie for you," own it and do it with reckless abandon.

It only took one (fantastic) pelvic thrust for everyone to simultaneously remember my name and correctly yell "Sex in the City!"

The next day:

3. When someone says, everyone to the auditorium for convocation, yell "FALSE!" and run away as quickly as possible, preferably while spastically gyrating your arms to fend off any pursuers.

Also, again ignoring my own advice, I went into the swankiest auditorium I have ever seen. Regardless, it was incredibly boring so:

4. Bring something, anything to do while you're being talked at.

As someone who has been talked at a lot, here are some tips for those doing the talking-at:

5. If you are extolling the virtues of a liberal education, thinking critically and for yourself, please stop reading verbatim off a power point presentation that you obviously did not make.

6. If it takes you 20 minutes to explain what plagiarism is, you should find a concise defintion on wikipedia and plagiarize it.

7. Students do not need a 30 slide power point presention introducing every single person who works in the administration, their phone number and hobbies. This is not match.com.

8. When choosing a student to introduce every member of the administration please don't choose Ronny, the guy who only knows one adjective.

Just before you are about to snap and run screaming from the auditorium realize you can leave whenever you want.

9. Get up, head held high and walk confidently to the exit. If an orientation leader blocks the doorway and says you can't leave its not over yet, side-step her and walk out the other door. Keep walking, if you hesistate for a moment you will be trapped inside, as all but one of the other study abroad students found out.

And finally once you escape:

10. Love, savor and relish in the that incredible feeling of not being at orientation. Doesn't it feel AWESOME!?!