Deserted in a Desert Mall

It started with an innocuous question.

"Hey John there's a bus going to the mall at 6 want to come?"

I hate malls but I don't know anywhere else to buy anything so I said yes. When the time came I knocked on my two neighbors doors (the only two people I had met so far) and got no answer. I assumed I was missing out on something really fun and they had left while I was napping. I found out later they were both asleep. Oh well I'll still go for an hour and grab the stuff I need.

Central Hub

As I was getting off the AUD bus (adorned with curtains as all buses here are for some reason) at the mall I asked:

"What time will you pick me up here?"
"TenjsFDH!" The driver mumbled forcefully.
"What?"
"10:30"
"Oh, O.K. 10:30 right?"
"HERE!"

2 hours seems a little longer then I wanted to stay but hey I could manage to explore a mall for two hours. Five steps later I realized it wasn't even 6. A sense of dread swept over me. I have never spent 5 hours in a mall, I haven't even spent 30 minutes in a mall since I was 5. Malls are on the 6th level of hell for me about where Wal-Mart and a life sentence in a Siberian gulag reside.

You know when something terrible is about to happen but you can't bring yourself to look away, you're intrigued and horrified at the same time? That is how I felt for 5 hours.

So here are some general facts about the Mall of the Emirates that may help you understand how overwhelmed I felt when I was walking around: it is 6.5 million square feet, there is an indoor ski slope, there are 26 parking entrances A-Z, there is a cell phone charging station in case you've been shopping so long your phone is dead and a hotel in case you get too tired from mindlessly consuming.

And a Robo Coaster!

In some ways the mall was different. There were women dressed in full-length black burkas and men with long white robes and red-checkered turbans. Everything was sold there except for pork and alcohol and did I mention there was a ski slope? Yet, mostly people were acting the same. Fat parents and husbands spoiling their fat kids and wives while eating fast food and talking too loudly on their cell phones. Looking different but acting the same.

Winston-Salem Represent!

Most of my time was spent exploring and playing pool, surrounded by tweens, with guys who worked at the toy store. The only shopping I did was at a Carrefour which was basically an enormous, less organized and more stressful Super Wal-Mart. I also ate at a little "American style" cafe that had mint lemonade (amazing!) and played lots of Ja Rule (remember him?) And for those of you who have seen Pulp Fiction, in the UAE they also call a quarter pounder a McRoyal with cheese.

Say McRoyal with Cheese

The ski slope accurately named Ski Dubai was just plain silly. It was huge and impressive from a engineering and fake snow production stand point but for anyone who has actually been to a mountain or large hill with snow on it you'll probably be disappointed. Though it was fun to watch the kids who had no idea that snow was slippery fall down and see women in red and black checkered head scarves who looked like a really devout lumberjacks. Eventually though, 10:30 came and I ran to catch the moving bus that wasn't quite "HERE!" but was close enough.

From the Top of the "Slope"

I survived being deserted in the Mall of Emirates by myself which for me was almost as bad as a real desert but hey, at least I could go skiing.